The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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