I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
