We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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