these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
