if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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