she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
