my phone needs a breathalizer
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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