How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
it's like iHOP with fire
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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