I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
