In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
