I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
