so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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