my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Semen is not good for contacts.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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