I hate your face
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
