Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
