Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
