I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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