This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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