I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
