She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
