I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
