At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
