you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
