don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
