He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
