if you like me you must not know who I am
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
