Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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