i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
