How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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