Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
