I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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