Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
