we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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