just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
