It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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