When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
