Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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