Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Can I color on your dick again?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
