I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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