i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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