she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
