he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
