So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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