You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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