WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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