wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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