I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
