Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
