Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
