Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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