Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
